Hogwarts Rejection Letters
by Brackenfern
Summary: A collection of letters in various universes where Harry does not go to Hogwarts. Will feature crossovers, creature!Harry, and more!
1. Letter 1

**AN: No idea where this idea came from, but I'll try it. Basically a series of rejection letters from various Harry Potters. I'll try to update daily, but the best I can promise is every Monday through Friday. Hopefully, I can do this for a month. Leave any thoughts and/or prompts below!**

 **Disclaimer: Last I checked, I'm not JK Rowling. :(**

* * *

To Whom It May Concern,

I will not be attending your crackpot of a school because there is NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC! I have no need for silly magic tricks in my life. The whole lot of you and anyone who actually agrees to come to your farce of a school is an idiot and deserves to be locked up in a mental asylum. You're mental, the whole lot of you. Do NOT contact me or my perfectly normal family again or try to disrupt my perfectly normal life with your unnatural freakishness.

Sincerely,

Harold Dursley


	2. Letter 2

Hogwarts Staff,

Ba! I will not be going to your backwater island country in order to attend a highly prejudiced school. Besides, someone of my... status would most certainly not be welcomed in your so-called "prestigious" school. I feel that my attendance there would cause widespread panic. After all, it _has_ happened before.

It has been seven years since I left England with my family and you have not reached out to me before now. You are lucky that my family saw it fit to inform me before taking me in. I apologise, but you will need to find somebody else to be your "savior". I refuse to help those that abandoned me with those wretched muggles.

Sincerely,

Luca Aleksander Dracula

Heir Apparent of the Ancient and Noble Casa liu Dracula

Formerly known as Harry James Potter


	3. Letter 3

Magical friends,

It is with deep regret that I inform you that I, Hilly Jimmy Wonka, will not be attending your illustrious school of magic. I am currently going through training under my father, Willy Wonka, to become a masterful and marvelous chocolatier. It is quite wonderful to continue family traditions, don't you think? However, we are both interested and would like to know more about your, pardon the pun, magical world. Any books you could recommend would be most appreciated!

I do have a few questions about your magical world. Do you have Oompa Loompas near you? If you have any books on them, Father is very curious about them and wishes to know more. We have a whole clan working in our factory, for pay of course, but they always talk about the others back in Loompaland. Also, do you have special _magical_ candy you could send us? Father is working on creating an everlasting Gobstopper and Smarty Nerds, but he is always looking for new ideas!

Yours Sweetly,  
Hilly Wonka


	4. Letter 4

Dear Miss McGonagall,

I regret to inform you of this but I, Harriet Jemma Potter, am a squib. According to my lovely aunt, my former uncle succeeded in one thing in life. That would be beating the "freakishness" out of me. My aunt divorced my uncle soon after, gaining custody of both my cousin and me in the process. We are on very good terms now, and she treats me just as good as she treats my cousin. I can't say I'm happy about you leaving me on a doorstep in the middle of the bloody fall, but if you hadn't left me there, I would not have the wonderful life I have now. That being said, I will not be attending Hogwarts. I have no desire to have a life in the Wizarding World as a squib and my life is good where I am.

Thank you,

Harriet J. Potter


	5. Letter 5

**AN: Thanks for all the great ideas you guys have been giving me! Sorry this one is so short. One of my friends wanted a broken-minded Harry, and what type of friend would I be if I didn't oblige?**

 **As always, I don't own Harry Potter or any other franchises that make an appearance in here. :(**

* * *

Important People,

What would important people want with freak? Freak doesn't deserve anyone being nice to him. Freak is only good to do the chores and cook and all the stuff that normal people don't want to do. Freak is a freak, undeserving of nice good things. Scraps from the table are the only good thing Freak is allowed to have.

Signed,

Freak


	6. Letter 6

Dear Prof. McGonagall,

My name is Harry Potter, although it appears that you already know that. What you probably do not know however is that I am an up and coming rugby prodigy. I have been attending Bedford School since I was 7 years old, and currently occupy a position on their varsity team. They have offered me a partial scholarship for all of my years there and have also produced several professional rugby players, including Jamie Elliott. After looking up your school in the ranking systems, and pointedly ignoring the fact that your entire letter was laced with make believe things, I was disappointed to find that not only does your school not have a current registered team with the School Rugby Union, it has never had a recorded team at all in its history.

While I am sure that your school does offer good classes, even if they are in unusual subjects, I simply cannot see myself leaving my current school to attend a school I do not know anything about. I plan on graduating from my current school and going into a career of either medicine or professional rugby, I will have to decline your generous offer.

Sincerely,

Hadrian Dursley-Potter

* * *

 **AN: And... scene. This was a difficult letter for me to write for two reasons. One, I do not live in the UK, so there are probably some American terms mixed in there. Two, I know nothing about how the English school sport associations work, so I kind of made up my own. Hope you liked it!**


	7. Letter 7

**For the weekend, I decided to post some letters sent in by you, the reviewers. Special thanks to Sakura Lisel for this Harry Potter/Supernatural crossover! If you want you letter to be included on the coming weekends, simply send it in via PM.**

 **As always, and I know I don't say it every chapter, I own nothing.**

* * *

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I do believe you have me mistaken for somebody else, because my name is not Astrid Potter. My name is Rowena McCloud, and I have no interest in going to your school. For one thing, I am not a child but a full grown 300 year old adult woman who has over 3 centuries worth of magical knowledge at my disposal, so I have no need for your school.

Second, even if I was interested, your school is a little too pure and good for my tastes and not worth my time. Your headmaster has removed all of the best courses your school has to offer that I might be interested in learning if I was going to attend.

I've also done some research on this 'Astrid Potter' girl who you are mistaking me for, and if it turns out that I AM her, you can tell Albus Dumbledore my answer is HELL NO. I am nobody's hero and have no wish to be. I am purely what you wizards would consider a Dark Witch and happily plan to remain so, and have no interest in turning over to the good side to play hero for you people.

Sincerely,

Rowena McCloud

P.S. If you persist on this path and continue to harass me, I will go to my son Crowley and 'borrow' some of his hellhounds and release them on Britain's magical world.


	8. Letter 8

Dear Professor(s),

It is my duty to inform you that the one you call Harry Potter will not be joining you at Hogwarts for the upcoming school year. As it is with every apprenticeship, the apprentice must stay under the master's tutelage for at least eight years, longer for the more dangerous professions. Apprentice Potter has been studying under me for a mere year, only one out twelve required years. I hope you understand, though I know it has been a while since an apprenticeship started this young. Despite the fact that he will not be joining you at Hogwarts, he will be sitting his OWLS and his NEWTS at the same time as your students, perhaps even earlier. Hecate bless you.

Formally,

Nicholas Flamel

Rank 94 Grandmaster Alchemist

* * *

To the Professors of Hogwarts,

While it is nice of you to offer me a position at your lovely school, I am currently an apprentice to Master Nicholas. It is a lot of fun as he not only teaches me about alchemy, he also teaches me about all kinds of magic! So far he says I have a real aptitude for both Defense and Flying. Thank you again for your offer. May Magic watch over you.

From,

Harry Potter

Rank 3 Novice Alchemist


	9. Letter 9

Dear Hogwarts,

While I appreciate the offer to attend your school, I do believe that this was sent as a joke. Your letter was supposedly written in 1991 and the last I checked, the year is 2008. If for some reason this is an actual letter, then I do firmly refuse to attend your school. I, along with my surrogate siblings Bianca and Nico DiAngelo, have already been taken under the wing of my mother Hecate. She has been a wonderful magic teacher and will to continue to be so.

The other thing that puzzles me is this: How did you know my exact room at the Lotus Casino? Nobody, and by the gods I mean _nobody_ , should have access to that information. The Lotus Eaters have taken special precautions against people finding out anything about the casino without first stepping inside. Finally, I am pleased to inform you that the poor owl who delivered this letter will be staying with me permanently. I am in need of a familiar and the British Wizarding World is in need of a major update seeing as you are still using owls to deliver the post. Post tubes have been in existence since the early 2000s. Get off of your lazy bums and get into the modern world!

Demigodly yours,

Harry Potter


	10. Letter 10

Greetings Hogwarts,

It is my duty as the Scribe of Mirkwood to inform you that Prince Hadrial Greenleaf, known to you as Harry Potter, will not be attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His duties to Mirkwood are essential to the running of the kingdom and are therefore too important to send him off for the year. In addition to that, after looking at several maps and consulting with out mapmakers, we were unable to find any mention of the country of England. We will not be sending our prince off to a land that we, in all of our knowledge, were not able to find.

As it stands, the Prince is currently under the tutelage of one of the Istari, though we will not say which one as it is not public knowledge and has no impact whatsoever. We have complete faith in the Istari and trust in him to continue doing an excellent job in teaching.

Edrahilbr

Royal Scribe of Mirkwood

Under the direction of King Thranduil


	11. Letter 11

My answer is simple: Unless you need an assassin for anything, no. If you are in need of an assassin, here are my terms and my prices.

Terms:

-No killing children

-No operations that would last more than 1 year

Prices and Services:

-Mugging: £10000 or 1000 (g)alleons

-Attack w/injury: £15000 or 1500 g

-Infiltration into enemy base*: depends on how long; starts at £25000 or 2500 g

-Assassination: depending on rank and difficulty of kill; £25000-£75000 or 3000 g - 80000g

Responses will be straight and to the point. Flowery language will get you reported to the police as a potential murderer.

~HJP


	12. Letter 12

To Madame Minerva Mcgonagall,

It is my duty to inform you that the (Future) Duke of Wales, Scotland, and England as well as the (conditional) Prince of the United Kingdom will not be attending Hogwarts. Under laws put in place by King James the First in the year 1614, any child who is born with citizenship in the United Kingdom and is subsequently orphaned is a Ward of the Royal Family until such time that a proper home can be found for said orphan. By leaving (the formerly named) Harry Potter on a doorstep, the Wizarding World broke not only that law, but also Law XI section 7, regarding proper treatment of children, Law VII sections 2-14, regarding the process of transfer of guardianship, and Law LXXVII in its entirety. Law LXXVII pertains to the communication between the Magical World and the Mundane World. After further research into this incident, it was determined that the family who lived at #4 Privet Drive, the Applebaums, would not be suitable guardians for a magical child as they already had 6 kids of their own. The (Future) Duke was then taken in by the Royal Family and is currently learning a large range of magic under the watchful eyes of the SMS.

Her Majesty's servant,

Group Captain Sally Sparrow of the SMS


	13. Letter 13

McGonagall,

While I don't know how in the world your owl reached our tiny little island of Berk, I can tell you that there is no way that I will be attending your school. In the first place, I am already being trained by our local shaman in ritual arts. On our island, that is the only type of magic needed. Anything else is secondary. The other thing I have a problem with is the allowed animals. On your list of allowed animals, I noticed that you mention owls, cats, and toads, but you say nothing about other animals such as dragons. Berk, as you may or may not know, is home to dragon riders. At the age of 5, we bond with our dragon(s) who then become our companions in life. I myself have 2 such dragons. As the bond needs to be strengthened daily, I won't be attending school with you.

Hemlock Harold Harper


	14. Letter 14

Dear Light-Losers,

I am not attending your light bath of a school. Instead I, Harry James Potter, am taking my rightful place at Voldemort's Wonderful School for Little Death Eaters To-Be. Instead of learning stupid things like Charms and Astronomy, we have classes like Dangerous Creatures and How to Ride Them and Strategy: Fact or Fiction. In all, it is a much better curriculum than your stupid school's.

From,

Harry Potter, Death Eater Jr.

* * *

Mr. Potter,

We cannot let you send this note. Please re-write this letter, mentioning nothing about your place at VVSLDTB.

Head Death Eater

* * *

Dear Miss McGonagall,

I regret to inform you that I cannot attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have already been selected for a spot at a small, prestigious boarding school. I cannot disclose the location, as I am bound by an oath of secrecy. I can, however, tell you that it is out of reach of all owls. We only get mail once every few months. As that is the case, I will not be able to contact you again.

From,

Harry Potter

* * *

Mr. Potter,

This is much better. You may send this.

-Head Death Eater


	15. Letter 15

Professor McGonagall,

While I do appreciate your invite to attend Hogwarts, I must admit that I am a little bit confused. First of all, the year isn't 1991, it is 1017 AD. While I could overlook that, though with some confusion, there were more things. To start, my name is not Harry Potter. As of the year 993 AD, my name has been Sethrian Slytherin. My father, Salazar Slytherin, blood-adopted me the very night he found me in the Forbidden Woods. Secondly, I have already attended Hogwarts and graduated from there 6 years ago. Hogwarts is for young wizardlings aged 11 and up. I should know, I am the Dueling teacher there. That brings me to my third point. In all of Hogwarts fifty years of history, we have never had a teacher named McGonagall. The closest we have had was our old Magical Creatures teacher, one Daveon McGannal. The truly puzzling thing, however, is the fact that this letter was delivered with phoenix. A phoenix who appears to be a descendant of my own phoenix.

Due to phoenixes not yet being fully understood, I have a theory based on my own research. From what my research partner, Baron Barclay Athelstan, and I have been able to discover, phoenixes are able to track magical signatures. What I don't know is why my signature would have registered as Harry Potter's. Perhaps he is a descendant of mine?

Regards,

Heir Apparent Sethrian Slytherin


	16. Letter 16

**This wonderful letter was written by Sakura Lisel a while ago.**

* * *

To whom it may concern,

It is my duty by royal decree to inform you that Crown Princess Skylark of Arendelle will not be attending your school. Her mother, Her Royal Highness Queen Elsa, does not appreciate the swarm of owls that have been bombarding the kingdom in an attempt to deliver letters to her daughter. She also does not appreciate the attempted kidnapping of our princess via phoenix. The bird is lucky to only be slightly frozen.

The letters that made it all the way to the castle were addressed to a Miss Raven Potter. While this might have been Princess Skylark's former name, we will never know. The princess was found abandoned as a baby and was left to die in the woods outside of our kingdom. It is lucky that the Queen found and adopted the child, giving her the name she currently has.

Queen Elsa wishes for me to tell you that the princess has duties to her kingdom. Important duties that will not let her go off to some foreign country to study magic far from home. She already has private royal tutors who have been teaching her magic within the safety of the castle, and that any further attempts to take Princess Skylark will be seen as a declaration of war against your society.

Sincerely,

Sir Edgar C. Montague

Royal Secretary of the Kingdom of Arendelle

Under the direction of Queen Elsa of Arendelle


	17. Letter 17

Mlle. Mcgonagall,

While the letter from your school came as a welcome interruption from my and my father's dreary everyday life, it was simply that, an interruption. I have been raised in Paris since my father found me on the streets there when I was two. Raised in the arts of music and the opera, I might add. My music is my life and my life is my music. It is my everything. After reviewing your book list, my father and I were distressed to realize that there was no class for the pursuit of music offered. On the same day that your letter arrived by owl, another letter arrived by nightengale. It was from a place called Académie de Magie Beauxbátons. Listed in their affiliated schools was the Wizarding Academy of Dramatic Arts, and their letter mentioned that classes from affiliated schools could be arranged. WADA, after investigation, has several esteemed alumni, such as Celestina Warbeck. After debate, it was determined that I will not be attending Hogwarts, but Académie de Magie Beauxbátons instead. As french is my main language, there will also be no problem with a language barrier.

Au Revoir,

Delmar Destler


	18. Letter 18

Ma'am,

Sorry to disappoint you but the Mr. Harry J Potter you are looking for has been a permanent resident here since 1987. I don't think he's going anywhere any time soon.

Mr. Tod Mortem

Keeper of the Graves at Brookwood Cemetery

* * *

 **Well, hope you guys don't kill me for that. Anyway, I'm taking the month of May off, due to finals and the excessive studying needed for them, but I'll be back in June. A lot of you have said that you want me to do the reactions of Hogwarts when they get these letters. Therefore, on my profile is a poll with a few options. Number 1 is that I do 3 scenes per week for the month of June. Number 2 is that I do 2 scenes per week until I finish all of them. (Number 1, you guys get to vote on which ones I do.) I'll end the poll in a week and, if number one has won, put up a poll so you guys can vote on which ones I'll do. Thanks! (P.S. The gravekeeper's name literally means Mr. Death Death. Tod=german. Mortem=latin.)**

 **:D**


	19. UPDATE

Just realized I never actually put the poll up. It is up now.


End file.
